Humor

Americans are justifiably worried about two seemingly insolvable problems: Evil and Obesity.  Increased incidences of mass shootings, terrorist attacks, genocide, and telemarketing provide ample proof of Satan’s evil work. If that weren’t enough, America’s waistlines are expanding faster than Bill O’Reilly’s ego. The confluence of these two deadly and unhealthy trends could portend serious trouble for our once healthy and virtuous society.

Philosophers, scientists, theologians, and politicians have struggled to find solutions for evil and obesity but with little success–until now. A former Polish priest and New Age thinker, Gyzabit Gewfski of San Francisco, has come up with a revolutionary therapy that, incredibly, solves both of these difficult problems at the same time.

Gewfski’s Institute for Aerobic Exorcise opened last summer in Big Sur on California’s Central Coast, and in a matter of months has produced results that have observers shaking–and sometimes spinning–their heads in disbelief.

Gewfski, who has a Master’s degree in P.E. (Popular Exorcism) from the University of Warsaw and a Doctorate in P. E. (Physical Education) from Stanford University, had the insight to combine his two P.E. degrees into a revolutionary state-of-the-art fitness and therapy program.

Located amidst lush forests, rocky shores and spectacular ocean views, The Institute for Aerobic Exorcise offers intensive programs designed to, according to the promotional brochures, ”Clear your soul of demons while leaving you with a heavenly body.”

The founder is gratified by the  success of his unique program.  “It’s a can’t-miss solution to so many of society’s ills,” explains Gewfski. “Getting rid of demonic possession and unwanted weight at the same time is what Americans have been clamoring for, even if they didn’t know it.

“Anybody who has ever watched a movie about exorcism understands the tremendous energy required to expell demons from one’s body and soul,” Gewfski explained.  “The heart pounds wildly, the body flails, the screaming and cursing and being slammed against walls goes on for hours—it’s brutal. But why not look at the bright side?  The calories disappear like cockroaches under a spotlight!”

The most  popular Aerobic Exorcise classes offered at the Institute include: “Sweating Out the Demons,”  “Satan’s Sit-Ups,” “Projectile Vomiting: Lose Weight and Firm Up Those Abs!” and “Headspinning 101: Lose That Neck Flab!”

The clientele covers a wide demographic of possessed victims, from all ages, races, religions, and astrological signs.  Burke Kinderman, 46,  a vacuum cleaner salesman from Lexington, Kentucky, claims the Aerobic Exorcise program transformed his life.  “My wife made me go here,” he said. “I was fat, angry and abusive. I would cuss out my co-workers, my family, everybody I met.  Some ten-year-old came to the door selling Girl Scout cookies and I ended up cursing and chasing her down the street with a  kitchen knife until I ran out of breath because I was so heavy.

“After six weeks here,” said Kinderman, “I’ve shed forty pounds, Satan has given up on me, I’m friendly with everyone, and I’ve  stopped vomiting green pea soup.”

Former congressional intern Regan Karras, 23, first heard of the Institute when they sponsored the ‘Race against Satan 10K’ in her home town of Baltimore, Maryland. “I was positively overwhelmed by demonic possession. My body reeked with deceit and corruption. But after finishing that race I felt the evil had literally perspired from my body.”

Karras signed up for the Institute in September and has been there ever since. “I run all day and all night,” she said. “I’ve had no time to get into trouble or even conflicts of interest. I’ve never been in better shape–except for the unending foot injuries.”

The tuition for the Institute is based on the level of possession. The Mildly Possessed pay $200 a day for room and board (all beds come equipped with tie-down ropes and high ceilings to accomodate levitating beds). Moderately Possessed patients must pay $300, and the Severely Possessed are charged $600, which covers the intensive clean-up and damage to their rooms after the exorcism ritual.  Separate bungalows are available for possessed clients with uncontrollable profanity.

Foolish Times, April 2009:

What’s Your FQQ* ?

By Arlen Grossman

(FQQ is an acronym for “Foolish Quotation Quotation.” We strongly recommend you do not attempt to sound it out like a word.)

See if you can identify who said the following quotes.  To avoid cheating, hold the Foolish Times upside down so you can’t read the answers at the bottom.

1.  “How come I don’t get any money for this ?”

A. Foolish Times contributors

B. Secretariat

C. Mother Teresa

2. “Your call is important to us. “

A. Alexander Graham Bell

B. Socrates

C. Voice-mail systems that put you on hold until you fall asleep

3. “Money doesn’t grow on trees. “

A. Your dad

B. Your mom

C. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner

4.  “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

A. Sir John Gielgud

B. President George W. Bush

C. President Barack Obama

5.  “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. “

A. The Republican Party Platform

B. The Bible

C. “The Origin of Species.”

6. “This is the CBS evening news, and I’m Walter Cronkite.”

A. Hunter Finnell

B. Katie Couric

C. David Brinkley

7.  “I am the editor of Foolish Times.”

A. Mike

B. The other Mike

C. Rex

8.  Abraham Lincoln

A. “Aren’t we doing this backwards?”

B.  “I’ll be damned! That’s my face on this penny.”

C.  “Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

9.  “I never had sex with that woman.”

A. Tom Cruise

B. Bill Clinton

C. Pope Benedict XVI

10.  “I ran out of quotes.”

A. Arlen Grossman

B. John Bartlett

C. “I ran out of names”

Answers : Most of the answers are correct

Scoring:

10 correct: You are a Fool

8-9 – You are a Fool

6-7 – You are a Fool

4-5 – You are a Fool

0-3 – You show promise

Arlen Grossman writes the “What’s Your QQ?” column every Sunday in the Herald and has not yet won his first Pulitzer Prize.

This quiz later became “Quirky Quotations.”